It’s said that when one door closes, another opens. I disagree. There are always thousands of doors open, we just don’t pay attention to them until a door closes.
In the run-on sentence that is the first verse of Yankee Doodle, what is it that Yankee Doodle calls “macaroni?” The town he’s riding into? The pony? The feather? His hat? Or the process of sticking a feather in one’s hat while riding a pony to town?
Saw this bumper sticker this morning: “Cheney-Voldemort 2012.”
Why is it that, of all the things my phone could do in my pocket, it always logs on to the internet?
I walked by a neighbor on the way to the train this morning. As we passed, we both said, “morning.” As I walked on, I thought how weird it was that two people who barely know each other would meet, say the time of day, and move on. When it’s night, we don’t pass people and say “evening,” I thought. And then I thought, oh yes, we do.
There are two places to stand while you wait for the train: near the track, and near the wall. That middle part is the ‘hallway.’ Stay out of it.
And here’s some escalator etiquette: stand on the right, walk on the left.
Evaporation: nature’s gift to janitors.
I’m not saying it’s wonderful or anything, but there’s a part of having diarrhea that’s not bad.
I’m going to write an Onomatopoeia Dictionary.
There was something indescribably degrading about changing pants in the train station men's room.
My daughter will never know a world where a record payer isn't a percussion instrument.
Future archaeologists will be surprised when they learn that in the Information Age, the simplified icons of a male and female human being represented "toilets."
At some point I stopped worrying about getting to the airport on time, and started worrying about surviving the taxi ride.
My facebook dream is to befriend "that guy." You know, the guy at college you passed on the way to class every day, and nodded to in a bar occasionally, but never actually met.
I hate walking on my jeans cuffs. But at 6' 2", I refuse to accept that I have a 30" inseam. So I’ll keep buying the 32" jeans, and walking on the damn cuffs.
Words are like bumblebees: sometimes they’re pretty, sometimes they sting. And they spread seeds all around everything.
I was writing by hand. I wrote a word that looked misspelled. So I stared at the paper and waited to see if a wiggly red line was going to appear under the word.
Business Rule #1
: If you’re opening a shop in Brooklyn, don’t paint the exterior white. It’ll be the color of murky pee within a year.
Is that a gun in your pocket, or do you have an erection?
In the movie, after Peter Parker found out he could shoot webs from his wrists, I wonder if he tried shooting them from other body parts.
She was a dreadful little woman with fantastic breasts that almost made up for it.
Invented statistic that’s probably true: 98% of toaster pastries are never toasted.
For a transportation hub, Grand Central Station's street entrances are surprisingly hard to find.
I can traverse large swathes of midtown Manhattan by foot underground.
I couldn’t tell if the two pigeons were bitter enemies or lovers.
I think men evolved with more forearm hair because they’re messier eaters.
If the world was blind, we’d segregate by accent.
Sometimes Subway trains sound like the world’s worst harmonica player.
The last two weeks of winter are like the last two minutes in the dentist’s chair.
The only good thing about 6° is that it makes you appreciate 31°.
In 2001, my then-girlfriend gave me a three-legged kitten for Valentines Day. I kept them both.
My new favorite hobby is watching dogs dream.
I don’t get these “skinny jeans.” At what point do they cease being jeans and begin being tights?
And part of the evil of skinny jeans is you have to be skinny in the first place to wear them. It’s the opposite of the “husky” jeans I used to have to wear as a kid.
It’s funny when someone redundantly repeats the final initial of an acronym. Like, “Do you know where there’s an ATM machine?” But I’ve discovered that it’s even funnier to do two initials, like, “Do you know where there’s an ATM teller machine?” or, “My father worked for the NASA Space Administration,” or, “I swam with a SCUBA breathing apparatus.”
For some reason, it’s not as funny when you go to 3 initials.
You know spring is coming when the temperature in the Subway is lower than the temperature outside.
Why is it a finable offense if you let your dog poop in the park, but no one looks twice when a horse takes a massive dump in the same spot?
I just heard a steel drum player in the Subway. He had obviously never heard the song “the Entertainer,” but he was playing the song “the Entertainer.”
Help me coin a new slang term. I’m going to start referring to money as “Claude,” as in, “Where’s that Claude you owe me?”
My new definition of “love” is sitting in the bathroom with a big smile on your face while your newly potty-trained daughter cranks out the stinkiest giant loaf in history.
My new schtick: when the waiter or waitress asks if I need anything, I say, “Yes, could you get me an ashtray.” Inevitably, they apologetically tell me that smoking isn’t permitted. So I say, “In that case, could you bring a spittoon?”
My other new schtick: when I’m at a place that serves “eggs any style,” and they waiter or waitress asks how I’d like my eggs, I say, “devilled.”
My financial advisor told me I needed to calculate my net worth. Luckily, I know I’m worth my weight in gold, so today I’m worth $3,491,942.40.
Judging by the smell, and size, of his poops, my dog Loki’s been eating several pounds of dried skunk glands daily.
If you’re above 5’8”, always look up before you stand up from your seat on the Subway. There are some head-smashing bars up there that can leave a nice lump. It took me about five times to finally learn this, probably because the concussions erase the memory each time.
I think so called “seedless watermelons” are racist. Because they’re obviously full of white seeds, and yet those white seeds aren’t considered seeds. Only black seeds count.
I always pictured the political spectrum as, well, a spectrum – a line with communism on the far left, and anarchy on the far right. But then recently I started reading a book called “The Lost Universe” by Gene Weltfish (yes, awesome name). It’s about the Pawnee tribe. Reading about the political system of the Pawnee, I realized the political spectrum is actually a ring, with communism and anarchy meeting. The Pawnee basically lived in an anarchic communism. Nobody was the leader of the tribe. Anyone could do pretty much whatever they wanted to. Yet the tribe members all worked together to make sure that everything that the community needed to get done got done. This tended to happen by people noticing something that needed doing, and either doing it themselves or mentioning it to someone else. The system wasn’t perfectly communistic or anarchic; but it was enough of a blend of both to make me believe that these political extremes might actually meet in the middle of a big, strange circle.
I have to admit, my arms have definition. That definition is: flab·by [flab-ee] –adjective, -bi·er, -bi·est.
1. hanging loosely or limply, as flesh or muscles; flaccid.
2. having such flesh.
3. lacking strength or determination.
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Eating his Christmas pie.
He stuck his thumb up his bum,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "Where the heck did that come from?"
I used a car service this morning. The guy’s engine sputtered badly, so at red lights he had to put it in neutral and gun it to keep it running. Several times, adjacent cars assumed he was challenging them to a drag race and sped off like demons when the light changed.
I told my friend not to touch my ice cream sundae, so he licked it. But the problem is, a lick is a touch: a special touch.
My uncle founded the Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers chain. In fact, he named it after his daughter, my cousin. Her name is Hamburgers Thomas.
It sucks to be fat and have dandruff. Because when you’re fat, you want to wear black. But when you have dandruff, you don’t want to wear black.
For me, spring doesn’t officially arrive until you prefer to walk down the shady side of the street, not the sunny side.
It’s high time we crossbred Puggles and Labradoodles. I could come up with 16 funny names for this new breed but I wont.
Don’t caregivers and caretakers basically do the same thing?
“Liverpool” is an ugly name, when you think about it.
Venice is simultaneously an incredible example of man’s ingenuity, hubris, and stupidity. It’s a thousand palaces built on mud in water. And it’s stood for a thousand years.
So, the show I wrote with Matt Horgan and Eric Frampton opens tomorrow night officially.
There's a preview tonight.
I'm strangely nervous. This is the first script I've written that I have not been at all involved in the production. It's not that I don't trust the people doing the show -- I do. It's just that I'm not sure what to expect, and that makes me nervous. Giddy excited nervous.
Go see it if you have a chance. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Peobably won't change the way you feel about the world, but you might get squirted with blood. Hey, that's something, right? If money's a problem, reserve tickets for Monday the 16th. That's Pay-What-You-Can night. Pay them a can of beans and see what they say.
If you do see it, I'd love to hear your thoughts -- good, bad, or indifferent. Don't worry, I'm thick-skinned.dadsgarage.com
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
It changes every minute -- pulled randomly from my "Pictures" folder.
Q. How many televisions do you have in your house?
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
R by nature, currently L by necessity.
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Yes. Tonsils being the biggest removal.
Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A 10 and 8 year old.
Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
Yes, by anesthesia.
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I'd add some silly middle names -- maybe "Romulus," "Razor," and "Frodo."
Q. What colour do you think looks best on you?
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
I must have. Nothing stands out in my mind, though.
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
I've done it in many a show for less.
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000?
Yes. This is another of those "I've done much more for much less" questions.
Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
Uh, could I chose the life?
Q: What is in your left pocket?
Mobile phone, wallet, keys. It's my All My Stuff pocket.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good film?
Q: Do you have wood or lay carpet in your house?
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2. Throw in sandals and we're up to 4.
Q: Last person who texted you?
Q: Last person who called you?
Q: Person you hugged?
Q: Missing someone?
Q: Listening to?
Crowded House -- warming up to see them next week.
The 50 Greatest Skits of all time.
Q: Worrying about?
Spider-Man T, camo shorts, addidas slip-ons.
Q: First place you went this morning?
Q: What can you not wait to do?
Go to Italy.
Q: Do you smile often?
I think so.
Q: Are you a friendly person?
I'm usually shy.
Many months ago, my buddy Matt asked me if I'd write a musical about zombies with him. He had already sold the show to Dad's Garage Theatre for its 2007-2008 season.
I asked him about his ideas on the show. At the time, all he knew was that it should involve young lovers who hide from a zombie attack in a Party City. When I asked Matt what the theme of the show was, he said, "Love."
To be honest, I'm not a huge zombie fan, but I liked the idea of a musical about love that's also a play about zombies. I signed on, and we also recruited the ridiculously talented Eric Frampton as composer.
Our first production meeting was several weeks ago, and I'm really starting to get excited. I'm very happy with the script -- it turned out very funny, but with a heart. And Eric's music is phenomenal. It's also gory, blasphemous, and profane every now and then.
My favorite part of the show is that, in the true spirit of zombies, audience members will be "attacked" at the end of the first Act. A few will be taken backstage, put into makeup, and appear in the second Act as zombies.
Anyway, I hope you'll come check out the show. You'll be supporting local theatre, but I also think you'll have a lot of fun. It runs June 5 - July 6, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at 8 pm. If you're short on dough, check out the Pay What You Can performance on June 16th.
I hope you can make it! Hell, I hope I can too.